Christmas 2016 & What It Means To Me

Friday, December 23, 2016
I really wanted this post to be about my postpartum psychosis diagnosis, but I'm just not quite ready to face that topic. Instead, I'd like to share a bit about our Christmas traditions and why this Christmas, especially, means so much to me.

Christmas at my mom's house was always so much fun. The oldest kids played elves for mom after the little ones were in bed. We would stay up until 1 or 2 AM assembling toys and trying our hardest not to wake the entire house with our goofing off. We'd end the night by writing a note to the kids from Santa and eating Santa's cookies as a finishing touch. Just thinking about those times cracks me up. There are only two believers left at mom's house these days and I no longer get to play elf. Instead, I work on making Christmas memories for my own little ones.

This year is the first year that my son, Johnny, really gets the concepts of giving and receiving gifts and spreading the spirit of the season to those we encounter. I've had so much fun watching him react to all the decorations, lights, movies, songs... just everything. So far, we've baked and decorated sugar cookies from scratch (we had to test a batch to make sure Santa will approve, obvs), watched ALL the Christmas movies, made Rice Krispies treats with friends, decorated our Christmas tree, and listened to every song on my Christmas play list at least 100 times. Tonight we'll open a special gift from Meme (I'll link pics after they open them)  and spend the evening watching Christmas movies.

Tomorrow, we'll have Christmas with my mom and Josh's grandparents and all of our siblings (there are 13 of us including spouses!). We'll spend the day cooking and eating. We''ll exchange gifts and have our 2nd annual White Elephant gift exchange amongst the grown kids (I'll link to more pics tomorrow...its always so much fun!) Then, we'll bake and decorate Santa's cookies and change into our matching Christmas jammies (yes, I'm that mom). We'll end the night riding around looking at Christmas lights (Tell me where the best neighborhoods are in the Lockhart, Kyle, San Marcos area).

After all of that, we'll put the (hopefully) sleeping kids to bed and get busy setting up for Santa's visit.

I. CANNOT. WAIT.

We've decided to give one gift from Santa and have the rest be from us. Yes, we're selfish parents who want all the credit for our awesome gift giving skills. We've also decided that this year, the kids will only open their single Santa gift on Christmas morning. Hear me out... We travel to Georgetown every year on Christmas day for lunch with my mother in law's family. We don't think it would be fair to give the kids their gifts, only to have to leave within a couple of hours. So, for us, Christmas will roll on into December 26th when we plan to give the kids their gifts from us. We got Johnny his first Power Wheels Truck and he is going to LOSE HIS MIND. We're hoping for a different arrangement next year, but this will work for now.

So, those are our plans for Christmas. If you've read this far, thanks! That's the end of the fun part of this post. Now for the serious stuff.

I'm more excited about Christmas this year than usual. It's been a hard year for our family.

In January, after suffering in silence for six long weeks, I was diagnosed with postpartum psychosis and bipolar disorder. I won't go into much detail about it today, that will come later. But, I will say that I have no memories of my children, of my life, from about November 30, 2015 until June of this year. I'm missing almost seven months of time with my babies. Seven. Months. That's so many milestones of a baby's life.

I stumbled across some photos the other day that took my breath away. I don't remember having them done. I'm even in some of them and I don't remember it. I don't remember the tiny baby fingers and toes. Between the illness itself and being so heavily sedated to treat it...to save my life, I don't remember anything. I feel so robbed. Its so unfair that this mental illness has taken so much from me. From us.
Little Dreamers Photography

Little Dreamers Photography

I don't remember either of them at this stage.

My heart breaks for what I've missed, but I'm so thankful for all that is yet to come.

This Christmas is about making memories, soaking in every detail, living in each moment at a time and not worrying about anything else. We've dealt with so much illness and so many surgeries. It will be so nice to have everyone together for a happy occasion. Our Pa is finally home, my illness is mostly under control, my sister and brother in law are home from North Carolina. We have so much to enjoy and be thankful for.

I hope you soak in each moment and truly cherish the time you have with your loved ones. Share your memories, plans & traditions with me! I'd love to hear from y'all. I wish you all a Merry Christmas, and a happy new year!

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