Christmas 2016 & What It Means To Me

I really wanted this post to be about my postpartum psychosis diagnosis, but I'm just not quite ready to face that topic. Instead, I'd like to share a bit about our Christmas traditions and why this Christmas, especially, means so much to me.

Christmas at my mom's house was always so much fun. The oldest kids played elves for mom after the little ones were in bed. We would stay up until 1 or 2 AM assembling toys and trying our hardest not to wake the entire house with our goofing off. We'd end the night by writing a note to the kids from Santa and eating Santa's cookies as a finishing touch. Just thinking about those times cracks me up. There are only two believers left at mom's house these days and I no longer get to play elf. Instead, I work on making Christmas memories for my own little ones.

This year is the first year that my son, Johnny, really gets the concepts of giving and receiving gifts and spreading the spirit of the season to those we encounter. I've had so much fun watching him react to all the decorations, lights, movies, songs... just everything. So far, we've baked and decorated sugar cookies from scratch (we had to test a batch to make sure Santa will approve, obvs), watched ALL the Christmas movies, made Rice Krispies treats with friends, decorated our Christmas tree, and listened to every song on my Christmas play list at least 100 times. Tonight we'll open a special gift from Meme (I'll link pics after they open them)  and spend the evening watching Christmas movies.

Tomorrow, we'll have Christmas with my mom and Josh's grandparents and all of our siblings (there are 13 of us including spouses!). We'll spend the day cooking and eating. We''ll exchange gifts and have our 2nd annual White Elephant gift exchange amongst the grown kids (I'll link to more pics tomorrow...its always so much fun!) Then, we'll bake and decorate Santa's cookies and change into our matching Christmas jammies (yes, I'm that mom). We'll end the night riding around looking at Christmas lights (Tell me where the best neighborhoods are in the Lockhart, Kyle, San Marcos area).

After all of that, we'll put the (hopefully) sleeping kids to bed and get busy setting up for Santa's visit.

I. CANNOT. WAIT.

We've decided to give one gift from Santa and have the rest be from us. Yes, we're selfish parents who want all the credit for our awesome gift giving skills. We've also decided that this year, the kids will only open their single Santa gift on Christmas morning. Hear me out... We travel to Georgetown every year on Christmas day for lunch with my mother in law's family. We don't think it would be fair to give the kids their gifts, only to have to leave within a couple of hours. So, for us, Christmas will roll on into December 26th when we plan to give the kids their gifts from us. We got Johnny his first Power Wheels Truck and he is going to LOSE HIS MIND. We're hoping for a different arrangement next year, but this will work for now.

So, those are our plans for Christmas. If you've read this far, thanks! That's the end of the fun part of this post. Now for the serious stuff.

I'm more excited about Christmas this year than usual. It's been a hard year for our family.

In January, after suffering in silence for six long weeks, I was diagnosed with postpartum psychosis and bipolar disorder. I won't go into much detail about it today, that will come later. But, I will say that I have no memories of my children, of my life, from about November 30, 2015 until June of this year. I'm missing almost seven months of time with my babies. Seven. Months. That's so many milestones of a baby's life.

I stumbled across some photos the other day that took my breath away. I don't remember having them done. I'm even in some of them and I don't remember it. I don't remember the tiny baby fingers and toes. Between the illness itself and being so heavily sedated to treat it...to save my life, I don't remember anything. I feel so robbed. Its so unfair that this mental illness has taken so much from me. From us.

Little Dreamers Photography

Little Dreamers Photography

I don't remember either of them at this stage.

My heart breaks for what I've missed, but I'm so thankful for all that is yet to come.

This Christmas is about making memories, soaking in every detail, living in each moment at a time and not worrying about anything else. We've dealt with so much illness and so many surgeries. It will be so nice to have everyone together for a happy occasion. Our Pa is finally home, my illness is mostly under control, my sister and brother in law are home from North Carolina. We have so much to enjoy and be thankful for.

I hope you soak in each moment and truly cherish the time you have with your loved ones. Share your memories, plans & traditions with me! I'd love to hear from y'all. I wish you all a Merry Christmas, and a happy new year!

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A Journey Into Motherhood Part 2- The Birth of My Daughter

I was pregnant for the second time before my son's first birthday. I know, we're crazy. Everything was going according to plan (ha!...that word again!). I was healthy, baby was healthy. I kept busy with playdates for my son & everyday life with a toddler. Before I knew it, I was 38 weeks +5 days pregnant & in labor.

After a couple of restless nights, I found myself yet again, awake at 4 AM. This felt different. I felt a familiar heaviness in my pelvis & had my "bloody show" when I got up to use the restroom. I immediately crawled back into bed between Josh & Johnny & just cried. I wasn't ready. I needed more time. Josh kind of laughed at me & told me to try to get some rest because it could be a long day.

I tried to rest but the familiar adrenaline rush started, and I began to have some mild cramps. I had been walking around for a few weeks at 4cm dilated so we were under strict doctor's orders to go straight to the hospital at the first sign of labor, even if we were unsure. No laboring at home this time around. I got up & told Josh to "Get ready but stay out of the bathroom because I'm going to shower but I'm leaving the door unlocked in case I need you. But get dressed!" ...Y'all.

I. Was. A. Mess.

I called Josh's oldest sister to let her know it was time & that we needed her & her fiance to keep Johnny...no answer! I immediately called my mom...no answer! It was 4AM, after all. I yell out of the bathroom for Josh to get someone to the house for Johnny & right about then my mom called me back. I asked her to head to my house to drive us to the hospital & to stop on the way & wake my sister in law. I texted my doula to let her know we were heading to the hospital & that she should meet us there. When I got out of the shower, the house seemed so crowded. My son was awake, my husband was running around packing his bag & everyone was kind of congregated in our kitchen.

I got dressed, threw a couple of last minute items in my hospital bag, kissed my son & my mom & I headed out to her car. We waited...and waited...and waited for Josh. It was 5:30AM. I was having to focus through contractions & we were STILL IN THE DRIVEWAY. One hundred years later, Josh climbs into the car with a fresh cup of coffee & my mom & I just look at each other like, Is he for real right now? He has a way of making the most nerve wracking moments turn into hilarious ones. We just laughed. It's so much like him to not be bothered or hurried by anything. My mom & I gave him a hard time, saying, "Thanks to you we'll probably have this baby in the car!" He said, "So? I can deliver a baby!" He is too much, y'all. TOO MUCH.

We stopped for a small breakfast at a convenience store. I think I just got some juice to go with the toast I made at home & my mom got a Dr Pepper (of course). Josh acted super offended when we didn't even ask him if he wanted anything & we laughed some more. We were finally on the move.

This car ride was NOTHING in comparison to the one during my first labor. I was able to breathe through the contractions. I stayed calm & my mom & Josh kept me laughing. I don't remember arriving at the hospital, but I remember leaning on the admission desk while they gave me armbands & had me sign a few things. It was much better than the first time.

By the time I was settled into my room, it was 6:15AM & I was already 7 cm dilated. My doula had arrived at the same time as us & she kept busy applying heat to my lower back & using counter pressure on my hips. I changed positions SO MANY TIMES. I wasn't crying, I wasn't in any "real" pain. Just a lot of pressure & intensity with contractions. I made low "moo-ing" sounds & I honestly wasn't having a hard time at all. I was so surprised. It was nothing like the sharp, intense pain of my first labor. My nurses were in total shock & disbelief that I was in "transition" & laughing between contractions. I had to stay quiet & close my eyes to stay focused during the contractions, but it was honestly not bad at all. By noon, I sent Josh to feed himself because I was doing okay & I didn't want him to be starving. He left the room at about 12:30 PM. At each check, I was still at 7 cm. I wasn't progressing. I kept telling myself, Okay, this isn't bad. Let me try to make it one more hour without medication or an epidural & we'll reassess to see if I want one after that. "One more hour" eventually turned into SEVEN HOURS.

focusing on my breathing

 I changed positions again to try to ease the pain. I was facing the back of the bed & leaning on it like a chair. While I knelt like that, the nurses began talking about breaking my waters so that I might progress. I told them I really didn't want to do that, but that I knew it could be what nudged things along. As I turned around, my waters broke on their own! "Well, I guess I don't have to make that decision!"

At 1:30 PM we decided to start a low pitocin drip to help me go that last 3 cm. Josh was still in the waiting room having his lunch, (the person who brought his food was lost for an hour) so I made the decision with my mom & doula. My mom didn't want me to do it without pain medication because she was afraid it would hurt me too much. I decided to try it anyway & take things 30 minutes at a time. My nurses agreed to come check on me in 30 minutes & I let Josh know what was going on via text.

I hated the monitors

At 1:45 PM I had moved to my back in an upright position (kind of sitting). I started having a strange sensation. It was intense. I was pushing, ready or not. I texted Josh to head back to the room ASAP. I told my doula & the nurses but I don't think they believed me. I couldn't stop it. This baby was coming QUICKLY. I looked at my mom & she tried, again, to get the nurses to call the doctor because I was pushing. Still, they weren't taking us seriously. They just kept telling me to "try not to push" Ummm yeah, okay...NOT! My mom was finally fed up & pulled the emergency call string at the head of the bed! She asked the charge nurse over the intercom to call the doctor because I was pushing...NOW!

I remember Josh being at my side suddenly & holding my hand. I think I hurt him at one point because he tried to shift his hand & I was so scared he was going to leave my side that I just squeezed tighter. My doula had me doing "horse blows" with every involuntary push. It was an intensity like I had never felt before. Not outright painful, but so intense. I felt the "ring of fire" that they tell you about & announced to my nurses "she's coming!" Sure enough, HER HEAD WAS OUT & that's literally what it took to get my nurses to take me seriously.

Right then, the doctor came in yelling, "Oh my God! Scrub me! Everyone scrub!" She was furious that she hadn't been called sooner. She told me to hold my legs up because they had been resting on the bed & as Josh & the doula helped me, I pushed one last time & June Marie Hazelett was born at 2:16 PM, right as the doctor sat down. She didn't even have time to put gloves on. June was born straight onto the table. No one caught her. The doctor picked her up in a receiving blanket & handed her to another nurse while she finished scrubbing in. They gave her to me & I was just so in shock over how quickly it had all happened.

The doctor delivered the placenta, Josh cut the cord, & I got a couple of stitches but I don't really remember any of that. I just remember looking around in total shock. I couldn't (still can't) believe I did that. I gave birth without any pain medication. What?!

Josh resting after a long day

My nurses later told us that they just couldn't believe I was actually pushing because I had only been on the pitocin for 15 minutes & I was still so calm. It was one of the few unmedicated births either of them had ever seen & I was the only pain medication free momma who never screamed out or said "I can't do it" even once. I told them that was because it literally took all the energy I had to focus through the intensity & try to process what my body was doing.

Every woman is different. Every pregnancy is different. Every labor is different. There is really no way to prepare yourself because there's no way of knowing how its all going to happen. Don't stress over expectations & birth plans. In the end, you'll find your own way to be at peace with however it happens. I think my experience may be partially to blame (among so many other things) for triggering the postpartum psychosis that I went through (another post for another day). It wasn't painful, but it was so fast. I couldn't really process it. It just happened.

Now, a year later, I've come to terms with it all & I'm still in such awe of the strength & power my body had/has. I made two humans & birthed them. One of them without pain medication. Wow. Women are amazing. I don't know if this is the end of "becoming" a mother for me. I don't know if we'll be able to experience this process again, but I know that even if we can't, I'm so blessed to have experienced it not once, but twice. 

Feel free to share your birth stories with me! Medicated, unmedicated, hospital, birth center, home birth, induced, c-section, even from Dad's point of view...they're all incredible stories & I think the more we share with each other, the more we'll realize we're all the same in the end. We're all parents. 

we tried to take a selfie...the baby wasn't even in the frame

Josh's best "Blue Steel"

we decided to leave the photos to the professional

photo by Heather Gallagher

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A Journey Into Motherhood Part 1 - The Birth of My Son

Becoming a mother was such a beautiful thing. I know, I know...such a cliche. My first pregnancy was what some might call a "unicorn" pregnancy. I was perfectly healthy, my hair grew fast & lustrous, my skin was glowing & gorgeous. I was so happy. All. The. Time. My birth plan (hahahaha...plan. Yeah, right.) was to make it through labor for as long as possible without pain medication or an epidural. I wasn't opposed to the idea of an epidural, but I really wanted to see what my body would do on its own.

On April 19, 2014, my plan was put to the test. It was Saturday. I was 39 weeks along & I was scheduled to have my maternity photos taken that afternoon. I don't know how to explain it, but something felt "off" that morning. I woke up at 6AM & was unable to fall asleep again. I made myself a cup of coffee (gasp!) & enjoyed the sunrise from our back porch. I even snapped a few pictures on my phone. It was beautiful.


I talked to my mom & we decided it was best to move the photos up to that morning as a precaution. Pro tip: don't wait until you're 39 weeks pregnant to take maternity photos. The pictures were awful. I was huge & miserable & just felt gross in general. I never did have any contractions that day, but I was exhausted, restless & had a very heavy feeling in my pelvis all through that day & night.

The next morning I was awake at 6 again. I went to the bathroom & noticed that I had lost a significant piece of my plug. The first word out of my mouth that morning was, "gross". I made a bowl of cereal & watched another sunrise. As I ate my cereal, I started noticing some moderate cramps. By 9AM , Josh was up & we were watching TV. I told him I was cramping & he basically ignored me...probably because he was tired of my late third trimester whining. I started timing my contractions & they were coming consistently at about 10 minutes apart. By 10AM I started feeling an adrenaline rush like no other. I was certain this was really happening. By 11AM, Josh still wasn't taking me seriously...he says now that its because I wasn't in any visible pain. I paused the TV & made him look me in the eyes. I said, "This is HAPPENING. If you plan on eating today, you need to get food NOW." He started taking me more seriously then!

We headed into town & I was desperate for some fruit but I was also terrified that I'd go into HEB & my waters would break in the store, so  I texted my mom & asked if she could bring me some fruit & from that text alone, she knew I was in labor...moms always know! My mom was in San Antonio for an Easter gathering (Did I mention it was Easter Sunday?!) so she decided to head to Austin & meet us at the hospital. My sister arrived with the fruit and I labored at home for a while. I showered. I bounced on my yoga ball. Did my makeup. Knelt on all fours. Bounced some more. Then decided it was time to head to the hospital when I was having trouble moving and talking through contractions. It was around 5PM & my contractions were consistently 5 minutes apart & about a minute long.

WORST car ride ever. Contractions in the car are AWFUL. My sister was in charge of timing my contractions & after each contraction I would rush to eat some fruit  & then just as fast as I could eat it, I would want it out of my face as soon as the next contraction started. I don't think I was very nice in the car. ...Sorry, Britt! I kept my eyes closed the entire time in an attempt to focus & not lose myself to the pain. At one point I opened my eyes & we were not NEARLY as close to the hospital as I though we were. I just felt so defeated in that moment. I was certain I wouldn't even make it to the hospital to have the baby. At this point my sister stopped timing my contractions because they were 3 minutes apart & lasting longer than a minute & I couldn't focus when I was thinking about how close together they were coming.

We made it to the hospital & immediately got into an argument because Josh took me to THE WRONG ENTRANCE. I was too tired/ in pain to try to get him to take me to the right door so I just got out. My parents met us at the door to park the car & get me into a wheelchair. Our doulas met us inside. I ended up not using the chair because I couldn't sit through the contractions. It was a LONG walk through he hospital to find the elevators. I was in so much pain that I kept my eyes closed & let my doulas lead me to the elevator. I couldn't stand to think about how much farther I had to walk. When we finally got to the elevator, another contraction hit & I had to sit on my yoga ball. I just started crying. I couldn't control it. The tears were just flowing. We got to the labor & delivery floor & even though I was pre-registered, they made me answer a million and one questions while I was having these contractions back to back...thanks Seton.

When they finally got me into my room it was about 6:30 PM. My nurses asked about the epidural & I didn't even have to think about it. Yes, please. I'll take one ASAP! Josh started to ask me if I was sure but I'm fairly certain that the look on my face was enough for him to just go with it. I joke with him all the time that I 100% blame him for me getting the epidural...if only he'd listened to me & gone to the right entrance, I wouldn't have lost focus trying to walk five hundred miles through the hospital to get to the elevator!

I got the epidural at around 7 PM & after that, I visited with my family some & was able to rest. My contractions slowed down to about every 5 minutes & my doulas helped a lot by applying counter pressure to my hips while Josh did the most amazing job of telling me how beautiful I looked & that I was doing a great job. The epidural wasn't a cure-all. It was still uncomfortable & I could still move my legs. The pain was much more bearable though. I was able to enjoy the experience instead of constantly fighting to focus through the pain.

post-epidural bliss

                                                                 

By 10 PM, I was fully dilated & the nurses & doctor agreed to let me get a short nap & "labor down" before it was time to push. When they checked on me again at 11:15 PM, it was time to push. It was so uncomfortable & the doctor was very aggressive with her "perineal massage". I still have no idea what she was doing but my doulas later told me they had never seen anything like it & I remember the disturbed looks on their faces. I definitely don't want to know what she was doing to me.  Forty-five minutes later, at 12:06AM on April 21, 2014, Johnny William Hazelett was born. It was the best anniversary gift we could have ever imagined. He nursed beautifully right away. Everyone in the waiting room came in to get a peek at him & we were all just so in love.  

Everyone is quick to tell you that everything changes when a baby comes. They're right. Everything changes. Those first few weeks were a blur of joy, love & the most peaceful ease I have ever experienced. I felt like I had finally found my purpose in life. I was made to be this boy's Momma. Things have become harder since then, but that's a post for another day. Almost 3 years later, I still know one thing is true: I was MADE for this. 

patiently waiting

Nonnie & Aunt Rin

Honey's first great-grandchild

Aunt Ber & Aunt Britt

first family photo

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An Introduction

This is a blog about life. Real life. My life.

Expect to find posts about everything from beauty to breastfeeding and then some.

I hope to be honest and to inspire others to do the same. Let's be real. Together.

photo credit:  Alissa Cordoba

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